Hello Friends!
I am wallowing in self pity at the moment. You see, when I dream these days it's with a level of realism that I have never experienced before. It is so real it can't possibly be a dream. I am well again. And I can walk, and I can run, and I can garden, and do all the things I used to love doing. I am the slim, lithe and energetic woman I was not so long ago. And the people that I love are all there. And I say to them, look, I'm better. I am healed. It was all a bad dream. And then I wake up, and it takes me a little while to readjust and I realise that this is real, it was just a dream. And I can't walk, and I can't run, and I can't garden, or do all those things I held so dear any more. It was just a dream.
And I'm trying so damn hard to remain positive, but most days I just don't have it in me. Simple tasks that used to take minutes now take all day, some days they don't get done at all. Half of me is beginning not to care, but the other half cares very much. It would be nice if someone just dropped in from time to time for a simple chat. But no one does. I am forgotten now. I must get used to it. I think this is what happens when you just stop going places, people don't see you and they forget all about you.
I think one of the worst things that happens is that people say, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. But the trouble is that's not what you need to hear. What you need is people to be proactive, be specific, and ask Can I do XYZ to help you? Ask me if you can fetch my prescription from the chemist. Ask me if I need a few bits and bobs from the shops. Can you give me a lift to the hairdresser or the dentist? Or even as simple can I pop round for half an hour to have a little chat? A phone call would be good. I had friends who would phone me often, but it's amazing how people disappear at the first sign of a problem {illness/disability}.
Even the pleasure that I was getting out of going to the hospice for one day a week has gone because they've reorganised everything, and now I'm the only female in with all men. I don't like it. I might stop going.
Thank goodness I have my art. It keeps me going. It keeps me sane. And it brings me joy when I know that you have enjoyed it as well. It's the little things that matter now. My perspective has changed.
It's wild out there tonight. Winds over 50 miles an hour. Heavy rain forecast. Of course, it happens to be bin night. Yesterday was such a lovely day. Typically Autumnal. A beautiful blue sky, sunny day. That lowering light that comes after the summer solstice. A little bit chilly. but nevertheless, a beautiful day. Today we've skipped through autumn, and we're firmly in winter. It's going to be a long time until spring if the weather's going to be like this. It's 3:00a.m. and the weather is keeping me awake. I will take a nap tomorrow when it quietens down before the next weather front on Friday. Of course, it's bad weather, it's a Bank Holiday weekend and everyone has plans before the schools go back next week after Summer Holidays. The Sand Church competition was cancelled, and Monday is the local Carnival and Parade. Time will tell if the weather is good enough.
Your art brings me great joy and I am very glad that you share it, it brightens my day up.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, if I can make just one person happy then it's all worthwhile.
DeleteIt must be really hard to have those dreams and then wake up. I often dream about having someone in the house with me and then remember there isn't anyone.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are able to keep sharing your art - the Autumn one is really lovely.
Thank you. It's the realism of the dreams that is so disturbing.
DeleteThe Autumn tile is my favourite too.
Having those dreams must be very distressing at times, so I can well understand how upset you feel afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI have an adult son with severe learning disabilities and have experience of 'disappearing friend syndrome'. What really hurt me was that it tended to be the friends who I had given a lot of support to before my son came along!
I think I would be tempted to say something to one of the hospice staff while you were there along the lines of you thinking about stopping going to the sessions, as it may make them realise that they are not meeting your needs. It's worth a shot.
Finally, I really like your art. It always makes me smile :)
Thank you, I agree, and disappearing friend syndrome is a most excellent term! Yes, it seems to be those whom we have helped in various ways who do disappear.
DeleteI am already preparing what I will say to the hospice staff.
Now, if you are the Tracy I think you are, you do lovely art too.
I wish you could muster up the courage to call those offering friends and ask for what you them to do, even if it's just come over. Your art is lovely. I am trying to take my own advice.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy to ask for help.
DeleteI'm glad you have your art, Deb. And you make a very good point about being proactive. Sometimes people don't know how -- but then, tell them. You can do that and they would be ever so relieved. True -- not so easy as having their offer, but in the end, the result is the same. I hope you don't get damage from the winds. Sounds like hurricane leftovers, maybe? A good storm can be a joy or a terror. I hope this one at least isn't too grim.
ReplyDeleteHurricane leftovers, then a second, separate storm system. Heigh ho!
DeleteHi Deb,
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing well or at least better. I was in hospital this past week, I came home yesterday. Still very week, but I feel a lot better than beforehand. Hugs, Valerie
Glad to hear you are home! Hugs, Deb
DeleteThose dreams that seem so real are disturbing. The feeling seems to linger for hours, for me. Maybe it's just the emotions stirred up by the dream that lingers. How I wish I could change this for you.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to ask for help. Most of us are independent souls and asking for help is so hard to do. But there comes a time when we simply must ask. I have been on both sides, not knowing how to help and telling others to call me if they need me, and I have been on the needing help side, but not wanting to ask. I have to say that it is a relief to ask for specific help from others. It's not a relief for me, it's still hard to ask for help, but a relief for those who want to help, but don't know how. Life is hard, my friend, and you are in a very rough valley. I do pray you receive more help from services and friends.
Your artwork is a joy for us all. I love the one with the pink flowers, they just pop with color. Create away, Deb, we enjoy seeing what you come up with. Take care~