Hello Friends!
I've not been too bad lately. In fact, I've been pretty good all things considered. It's coming up on six years now since my darling Mum left this mortal coil, and also fifteen since Dad left harbour for the last time. Their anniversaries, although nine years apart, are quite close together on the calendar. I talk to them every day. I often pretend they're in the next room or are out running errands and will be home soon. It gets me through.
Then, I get days like today. I was awake around six a.m. just sitting here as daylight slowly fills the living room, drinking a mug of hot, fresh coffee, doing a crossword, and WHOOSH there she was, the old nemesis, I hadn't even noticed her lurking, but there she was, my arch enemy rearing her ugly head once more. Good morning Grief, my old friend, it's been a while. Come on in, pull up a chair, I know you aren't going until you've said your piece.
One word, just one innocent word triggered something deep in my subconscious and there she was again, the empty feeling of loneliness gnawing the pit of my stomach which is now souring against the coffee I was savouring. My breakfast can sit there getting cold and end up in the bin. Tears now stream in uncontrollable, silent, salty rivers, down my cheeks, the physical manifestations of the feeling of empty and hollow hole in my stomach. Soundless sobs begin to rack my body.
I don't think she will ever leave. Even on the good days, she is lurking there in the shadows, around the periphery of my existence, haunting me, taunting me with her presence, ready to strike and do her worst when I am least expecting her.
One word, one innocent and seemingly meaningless word to you, but to me it triggered something deep and primeval. My mother appeared before me and the catalyst served it's purpose as she was quickly followed by everyone else who has left me here.
It's raining out, stick, humid, thundery. My head hurts from the pressure systems that create the weather. There are two of them, a cold front from the Atlantic, a hot one approaching from the south and over Europe. We sit where the two will meet and that's what is creating this wave of electrical storms. My emotions are in tune with the weather. The pressure building, in my emotions and in the atmosphere. A storm's a coming.
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I shall spend my day with happy thoughts and memories, for I don't know how long this visit is, she may be gone by lunch time, she may be here a few days. I won't really know until she's gone again. Until she rears her ugly head again, and when she's least expected.
Stay safe, stay well
Debbie xx
Sending big Hugs. Grief is so unpredictable. Things that you don't expect suddenly throw up that catch in your throat and the flood of tears.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you were able to see your way through it and take a deep breath.
Despite the theory that tome heals - it really doesn't,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that the black cloud of grief has landed.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a weird thing , it goes further away but is still there waiting all the time
I am so sorry that grief and sorrow have you in their grip, and hope that you will soon feel better. I know those feelings. But the rose is like a beautiful star. Hope the weather won't be too bad. Here it's hot and humid, not nice at all! Hugs, Valerie
ReplyDeleteThose grief bursts are a bear and there's no predicting them or knowing what the trigger will be. You're wise -- we just have to go with them, let them say their peace and then get on with it, knowing that someday it will come again, but till then, you go on. Long ago someone told me, "You don't get over it, you get through it." And getting through it doesn't mean it is over, it's just not its time. When I was working in a grief counseling center for youth, when they were ready to close and move on, we gave them a packet of stones -- one rough, the others smooth and polished. The symbolism is that the rough stone is grief at its most raw. Not very pretty, perhaps with sharp edges or dull in color like the pain we feel. But the shiny stones represent the healing. They are still stones -- hard, maybe not all the edges are off. But they have been smoothed by time and being tossed, and shining because someone helped to make them so, just as kindness and love helps us. I hope you will one day find your shiny stones, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Deb, I know well how you can start a day just fine and then some little thing will set that grief off and the pain is so raw and strong, it takes your breath away. It feels so fresh and you wonder if you will ever be free of the pain of grief. Sending you love and hugs. Wrapping you in prayers~
ReplyDeleteOh Deb, I'm sorry that grief is rearing its ugly head. You have described your feelings well and as sad as those feelings are it has to be. I know this to be true as grief visits us all who have loved or been loved. Sending you hugs and better days ahead.
ReplyDeleteHi via Bovey Belle's blog
ReplyDeleteYes, the smallest thing can trigger a release...but we need that...and we fill the gap with memories.
Nineteen years with my dad gone..and four months with my Pirate .
Both seem like no time and an age at once